March 17, 2009
Actually, I have been sick in the past three months. It’s just not that apparent because I try to hide my ailment from everyone because I really hate it when people see me in my weakest form or when people think that I am too fragile. That is why only those who are really close to me know my real situation. But now, I think I can’t hide it anymore. I just cannot pretend that everything is fine when in reality, I’m deeply wounded. My physical appearance undoubtedly conceals my true condition. There are still a lot of people who think that I just got into an accident, which would explain my use of crutches. Little do they know that I’m just trying to make myself look not sick because I feel awkward whenever people stare at me whenever I walk in a room. Those piercing glances honestly make me feel bad. It’s as if I’m this person who is carrying a very deadly disease to the point that they would do everything just to get themselves away from me. But what can I do? I didn’t wish to be in this position. I didn’t choose to be here. If it had been in my way, I would choose to continue my studies and graduate on time, to be with my friends and act like everything’s perfect, and to be the same old James that I used to be.
At the age of 19, I never thought that I would be diagnosed of having Osteosarcoma. It is the most common bone cancer, which I happen to possess. To be quite honest, it really came to me as a bad surprise when I learned about my condition because I was perfectly healthy prior to my diagnosis. I have been happy and joyful all my life. All my friends and relatives can attest to that. That is why it really makes me sad whenever I think about my condition.
As bad as it may sound, there were really times when I’m in the car then I get to see this person who’s completely homeless lying on the street, then I would just think to myself “Why me? Why not this guy who has relatively nothing much to lose?” Then I would just be left blank; not knowing what to feel. Yeah, I know it’s so selfish and cruel of me to ponder such thing. But I guess the whole cancer thing has not sunk in my mind yet. So, forgive me.
I have also come to realize, now that I’m in this position that we do really tend to forget about how great life is, and how much life has blessed us. Only in times of desperation and desolation do we begin to look back at the things that made our lives special and memorable. Before, I really just value only a limited number of friends because I’m a person who has immense trust issues. I only honestly trust people who I feel comfortable with. But now that I’m out of school, I regret not spending time with most of my friends. I was in this bubble which has prevented me from opening up to other people, and I really, really, seriously regret it.
And now, all I can say is that I’m full of regrets. There are a number of things that I wished I could have done, or could have tried doing, but instead I turned around and backed out. Even if I’m still at the starting point of my treatment, I think I have learned quite a few interesting things already, and I’m excited to learn more as I reach the finish line. And I hope I reach that end point smoothly. That is why I’m securely keeping my fingers crossed till I reach that much awaited point.
But on another note, I feel scared. In the coming weeks, I will be undergoing a series of therapies and a major surgery that could definitely change my whole life. And I am honestly petrified because I think my body and mind are not yet prepared for the changes that are about to happen. When asked by people, I always say that I am ready, but to be really, really honest, I am not. These treatments are very crucial, though vital. But I can’t help but think the of possible bad outcomes that may happen. And I’m scared. I have plans for myself before all this happened, and now I feel like everything has been obliterated in an instant. And I seriously don’t know how to rebuild those plans again because I don’t know where to start, and how to start it. But as my friend would remind me, “Just cross the bridge when you get there.” So, I guess I’ll just do that.
Anyway, I have to rest now. Till next time!
July 27, 2009
I may have lung cancer. Just learned this a while ago when I visited my Oncologist this afternoon. Honestly, I kind of expected this na ever since the day my pathologist revealed to my family that my tumor necrosis is only 20% (given the average of 80% -90%). According to my doctors, I am a record holder in their book because I am their only patient EVER who has responded this badly to their treatments. So yeah, my doctor told me that I will not be undergoing the originally planned 4 chemotherapies anymore. Instead, I would have to take 6 more as a way to cure the problem.
Naturally, I didn’t take the news lightly. I honestly felt devastated. I was in shocked from the time it was revealed to me up to the time I got home. I even shed a few tears while I was still in the clinic. I guess it was just my initial reaction to my new situation. Things did even get worse when I was already in the car. I just cried heavily. No one could stop me from crying. No words of encouragement lightened up my feelings at that time. I just couldn’t help it. Thinking that I may not have a life ahead of me destroys me big time. I have always thought and believed that I will surpass this circumstance. But now, I don’t know. I still need to have a CT-SCAN to verify the spread of my cancer cells though, so it’s not really 100% sure yet. But if the spread has really occurred, then probably I would raise the white flag already. Based on what I’ve read in the Internet and what was told to me by my doctors, once the cancer cells spread, especially with the type of cancer that I have now, my cancer would be much harder to cure. And if ever I decide to still fight it, the drugs that will be used on me would be more aggressive, which would then affect my whole body and my mental state badly.
And if I were to die with this sickness, I don’t seriously want to die in pain. I don’t want to allow my body to suffer more from chemotherapy. Chemotherapy is hard, just so you know. I just want to try to make the most of my time with my family and friends. So yeah, that’s pretty much what I want. But I’m sure that my parents wouldn’t agree. But anyway, I’m just hoping for the best now.
August 24, 2009
I miss buying grocery stuff with my family.I miss lifting grocery bags from the car’s trunk to the kitchen. I miss buying Country Style donuts before my TREDTRI class. I miss buying french toast in the morning and eating it during class. I miss staying at the LS benches before class starts. I miss staying at the Conservatory when I get to school in the morning. I miss seeing my friends at the Amphi theater when classes are all over. I miss my long walks with Ken and Tabs. I miss taking pictures with friends. I miss joking around with friends practically anytime and anywhere we feel like joking around. I miss drinking alcoholic drinks with friends in Trinoma. I miss using my laptop in the Conservatory. I miss the free WiFi in school. I miss Mildred’s Chicken Barbeque. I miss Flaming Wings’ Chicken Tenders. I miss Reyes’ Barbeque’s Chicken and Pork Barbeque. I miss Greenplace, EGI, Lair and Agno. I miss my Mercury Drug in EGI. Still can’t recall the real name of the store. Haha. I miss riding the cab with my friends on the way to Glorietta/Greenbelt/Shang. I miss the days when Vickie, Patrick and I would ride the cab in the afternoon from school to Fort just to hang out. I miss going home from Fort, Rockwell, Shang, Glorietta and Greenbelt in a cab. I miss riding the jeepney with Ken from Glorietta or Greenbelt. I miss eating at Greenbelt 1’s McDonald’s. I miss riding the jeepney from school. I miss riding Kenneth’s car. I miss having what-to-wear-today problems. I miss panicking in the morning because the shirt/pants that I want to wear is not ironed yet. I miss looking for my underwears in the morning. LOL. I miss being with family on Sunday masses. I miss going to the mall on Sundays after the mass. I miss lurking around the mall looking for new clothes to buy. I miss my People are People-Zara-Springfield routine whenever I’m in Glorietta. I miss my Topman-Zara-People are People-Springfield routine whenever I’m in Rockwell Powerplant. I miss saving my allowances just to be able to buy another cool shirt/pants/shoes/haircut. I miss having my haircut. I miss staying at Starbucks in Rockwell, 1st floor with friends. I miss studying in Coffee Bean, Robinson’s Place. I miss my Dairy Queen escapades with friends. I miss watching movies with friends. I miss going home late at night because I practically have to go home from Trinoma or somewhere else that’s too far from home. I miss riding the bus from Trinoma to Guadalupe. I miss riding the LRT from Taft to EDSA. I miss riding the MRT from EDSA to Ayala/Guadalupe/Shang /Trinoma. I miss sleeping in hotels with friends for free. Always thanks to Kevin’s dad. I miss Ira’s Fontana Birthday. Everyone I miss now was there. I miss doing study groups at Kenneth’s house. I miss being tutored by JP. I miss doing thesis. I miss it, not love it. I miss sleeping late because of paper works. I miss doing MICREC problem sets. I miss playing badminton professionaly. I miss doing stage plays. I miss all my friends, seriously. Haven’t seen most of them for quite some time already. Generally speaking, I miss my old life.
Lets cherish each other's presence. we can never tell when our days will last.
We all have an inner desire to immortalize ourselves. He has done so through his blog.
Let's pray for his eternal repose.